10 Steps for Stepmothers
Copyright 2005 Jeannette Lofas, The Stepfamily Foundation, Inc.


Step1. Go slow. Super step parenting will not work and often results in pain for both you and the children.

Step 2. Acknowledge your partner's fears about losing the children. Most fathers, even those who have primary custody, fear they may lose the children to other parent, or the child will choose to move out. This is a valid fear. Be sensitive to this fear in working with your partner on expectations of the children.

Step 3. Approach issues with the intention of partnering to a mutual agreement, not winning the argument. Criticizing your partner's parenting skills will only result in defensiveness and stonewalling.

Step 4. Listen. Be a sounding board for your partner as the two of you discuss the household setup. Compromises are more easily reached when there is less judgement and the focus is on understanding each other, not winning out over each other.

Step 5. The Stepmother Can't Function as Does the Biological Mother. She is not the mother and never will be. The stepmother is the female head of the household. Together with her husband, the children's father, she can be a guide, a mentor, and even a psychological mother to the stepchildren, over time. Go slow.

Step 6. Be Aware of a Conflict between Sexual and Biological Pulls in Stepfamily Relationships. In the original family the couple comes together to have a child, and together their energies focus on that child. The child is an extension of themselves. In step the child is connected to only one person in the couple. The blood ties and sexual ties can be polarized and can pull the couple in opposite directions.

Step 7. Over disciplining Your Stepchildren - Watch It! The biological father can perceive it as too much, too often and may defend the children in ways that undermine your feelings.

Step 8. The Norms and Forms of Discipline Must Be Discussed and Agreed to by the Couple. Generally, the biological parent does the disciplining and the stepparent reminds, "In this house we . . ." Don't take on a battle you are going to lose, discuss it with your husband so the two of you can agree.

Step 9. Unrealistic Expectations Beget Rejections, Resentments and the Cruel Stepmother. Be patient with your husband, the kids, and yourself. Get a Stepfamily certified coach or counselor to help when the two of you cannot agree.

Step 10. Guard Your Sense of Humor and Use It.

Copyright 2005 Jeannette Lofas, The Stepfamily Foundation, Inc.